Junk Food Nation March 1, 2012

I love food. LOVE it!!! If I could eat Mini Eggs every day for breakfast, lunch and dinner, I would.

I would also be 400 lbs. Ew.

I am a self proclaimed food addict. Food makes me feel good. I turned to food during my post partum haze. The only way Baby Bear would shut the fuck up some days was to chuck him in the car seat and go for a drive to target. I’d stroll around the store while he snoozed away. Candy-eating season was fully upon us. Halloween. Followed by Thanksgiving and Christmas. Halloween candy!!! But by far the worst was the holiday candy season. Every Monday and Tuesday while Little Man was in daycare, Baby Bear and I would stroll around Target. Eventually I would wind up at the Christmas Candy Section. Bags and bags and bags of Cadbury Christmas Balls. The Christmas equivalent of Mini Eggs. The temptation was always too great. Week after week I’d stock up. Not just the little bags that have a pitiful 6,7 eggs. I’m talking the giant bags with 30-40. Six bags was my usual. I’d take them home. Hide them in the back of the pantry cupboard. And when Baby Bear started squealing, I started eating. I’d go through six bags a week. I never had time to eat, or maybe I just didn’t make time. So I’d scarf down a bag. Yes. A bag. It’s disgusting. I know. But true.

When I stepped on the scale in Janurary I felt ill. Fatty McFatterson! Step right up!!!

Fast forward to March. Eleven pounds lighter, and my head is finally screwed on straight. It’s Easter candy season now. And I’m proud to say on my last trip to Target I avoided the easter section. Like it was the plague or something. No Mini Eggs for me, for the temptation is too great. They are little balls of crack!!!!

This country is one of the fattest. The obesity rate is at an all-time high. Our children are fatter than ever. Schools are cutting back on physical education. Our kids have no idea what recess is!? And God forbid they walk somewhere. Mind you I live in a VERY hilly area. Walking back from town may near put you in an early grave.

I look at people’s food carts and am appalled at the processed food. I grew up with wholesome food on my plate every night. It was rare to have something “pre made”. I mean it was a treat if we did.

I try to make my own food. But Of course there are times when time is an issue and frozen pizza is for dinner.

Little Man is a great eater, for the most part. I made my own baby food from the start. He was the best fed child in daycare!!! People used to comment on how good his food smelled. Because IT’S REAL FOOD!!!! I once bought the baby food meat and just about gagged. Oh fuck. Nasty. I was feeding my kid dog food. After that I blended beef stew and chicken and rice and he enjoyed it.

Baby Bear has started solids recently. Yes he ate packaged rice cereal and yes he is formula fed. But his first vegetable was homemade puréed carrots, followed by gala apples and sweet potatoes. No ascorbic acid here!!!

A good friend of mine in Toronto is a health nut. She is very thin. She eats NO processed food. I admire her for it. When we visited her a couple of weeks ago she reminded me how easy it is to make your own guacamole, salsa etc. and it tastes BETTER!!!! Don’t get me wrong. Nothing beats the allure of a jar of salsa for 99 cents. Especially in February when tomatoes just taste awful. Who wants a tomato from Guatemala anyway!!!

So in 2012 I strive to continue eating healthy REAL food. So far it seems to be working well

Don’t worry I don’t believe in depriving myself. I will enjoy the occasional sweet treat here and there. For I LOVE me some Chocolate cake

Weight Loss Update!!!! February 29, 2012

Sorry for the long delay!! I have had blogger’s block!!!!!!

I have wanted to do a health and fitness update for a while now, I just haven’t had the time!!!!

Well …… Here it is!!!!!!!

ELEVEN POUNDS!!!!! . (it WAS 12 but a birthday weekend eat fest spoiled that!!)

Yay me!!! Pats on the back to me

I am happy. Confident. Sexy.

And I have bought myself a super sexy wrap dress . Two actually!!!!! I have yet to photograph myself in them. No they are not DVF but Old Navy and Banana Republic. The Banana dress sold out online so I cannot attach the pic. The dress was $95 and I was prepared to pay full price especially after I tried it in the store!!!!!!! I put it back in the rack. But alas the benefits of having a Gap Card!! I coupon came in the mail for $30 off a purchase of $100 or more!!! Woot!! I bought a pair of $8 socks to put me over and I got my navy/white striped dress for $72!!! Squee!!!

Weight loss isn’t easy. There are ups and downs. Temptation everywhere!!! I went two weeks without exercising!!! It started with Baby Bear getting croup, and with him not sleeping I could not function AT ALL!!! But I got back on the wagon….hoping it pays off!!!

I’m so much happier than I was 2 months ago. I enjoy my children more. Even though there are still days I want to chuck them out the window!!!!

So now I just take the time to just breathe, relax. The weight will come off. And never ever come back on.

. Just breathe…….

Bad Mommy January 23, 2012

Some days I feel like the best mother in the world. Other days I feel like the Beast from Beauty and the Beast. Watch out!!

I’m pretty sure I had a small bout of post partum depression. I mean all dealing with a screaming baby for nearly 3 months didn’t help. I remember after he was born how blissfully happy I was. He nursed great in the hospital. He slept “like a baby”. When we brought him home I remember thinking. Wow. He never cries. My mom stayed with us for nearly a month to help me recover from my C-Section. I wish she had stayed a month longer!!! For November was when it all changed.

The the dark clouds gathered. Just like that a switch went off. My Sweet little Baby Bear went from sleeping like a baby to a screaming beast. Classic of a premature baby. He slept for a month. And just like Dr Weissbluth stated in his book. 2-4 weeks AFTER the due date they wake up and fussiness starts. And it did. I ranted on the colic in a previous post. What kind of mother screams at her helpless 2 month old to SHUT UP!!!! And then just like that about 6-8 weeks AFTER the due date the colic peaked and gradually got better. And so did I.

But there were some days I still felt sad. Winter just fucking blows some days. Stuck inside with two crazy kids. I long for the summer days where we can just run to the park for an hour or so.

Big Man has been very busy with work and his extra curricular activities. He’s president elect of his professional association local chapter. So proud of him!! But it takes up a lot of his evenings. Leaving me alone to tend to the kids. By 7 pm each night I’m just spent. My 3 year old Little Man drives me batty on those days.

The other day he spilled cereal all over the floor after I repeatedly told him to take the box upstairs and I will pour him a bowl when I was done with the laundry. Nope. He takes the box and pours it on the floor. Kashi Go Lean everywhere. And what does this Mother of The Year do?

“FUUUUCK!!!! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!!??”.

Nice.

Big Man was in Nashville over the weekend which put me in a funk. I yelled and screamed at Little Man probably more than he deserved. He wanted to play in the snow. But it was sub zero outside. And I just can’t drag his poor little brother out as well. So we fought all day.

Believe me I don’t yell at my kids 24 hours a day. I do love them. Cherish them. Especially when they are so damn cute . But other days I am so done with mommy mode.

So I think the root of the problem is this. I need to go back to work. One more month of this maternity leave and it’s back to normal. I’m taking my boredom out on my kids. I’m also unhappy in my body and I’m taking it out on them. Exercising every night gives me energy. Makes me feel happy. Exhilarated. Hopefully as my waistline shrinks so will my funky mood.

So yes. Some days I am a Bad Mommy. Some days I’m Mommy of the Year.

But I wouldn’t be a real human being if I didn’t say we need some time apart!!!! And there is NOTHING wrong with that!!!!!!

This post feels somewhat disorganized. I just needed to purge my brain. :p

PS an update to Operation Fit into Wrap Dress: 5.2 lbs lost. Woot! Hoping to post a photo after one month on plan to track my progress!!!

Operation Fit Into Wrap Dress 2012 January 16, 2012

Oh boy. I’m fat. Fat. Fat. Fat. I have never been 200lbs non-pregnant. Now I am.

Sure, Big Man loves me the way I am. Curves and all. But when those curves turn into rolls, and start affecting your confidence then it’s time to change.

My weight has always been a battle. Thyroid issues. My intense love for chocolate. Whatever the reason I’m the one to blame for getting into this state.

I have had fantastic success with Weight Watchers. In my last year of respiratory school Iost 25 lbs and got to my all time low of 138lbs. I was so proud of myself!!

.
Me circa 2002 on California coast.

Fast forward 10 years to 2012. Two children later. And 62 pounds heavier! Two bouts with gestational diabetes and preeclampsia. It’s time to change my shape. It’s time to take charge. No more excuses. The weight MUST come off. I am at 50% increased risk of developing adult onset diabetes. After dealing with it temporarily there is no way in hell I want to deal with it full-time!

After Baby Bear was born I think I battled with a bit of post partum depression. I was knee deep in colic and battled it mostly on my own. My wonderful husband did as much as he could to help me but alas he was gone so much in November on business. I was alone. And the way I deal with stress is to stuff my face full of Mini Eggs and other chocolate goodies. Then came the holidays and I packed on 8lbs in a month!

For Christmas Big Man and I bought each other the Nintendo Wii Fit. I figured I NEED to exercise. I detest the gym. So why not make exercising fun?? And FUN it is. No need to truck myself to the gym with a bunch of sweaty Guidos who like to look at themselves in the mirror lifting weights. Yuk. Nope. I trot down to the comfort of my basement where no one can see my jiggly bits.

My friend Nadine inspired Operation Fit into Wrap Dress with her Fashion Friday post. I thought DAMN she looks good in those wrap dresses! I want to look good in a wrap dress. I was particularly inspired by this Old Navy dress. I ran to my closest Old Navy and tried it on. Oh the horror!! I looked awful! I thought maybe I’ll buy it in a smaller size for inspiration. But really. Who am I to say what my body will look like in a few months time. So I decided to set a bigger goal.

If I lose say 40-50 pounds I say I FUCKING deserve THIS:

The Ultimate Wrap Dress. Courtesy neimanmarcus.com

Yes that’s right. I am going to reward myself with a $350 DVF dress when I get to my goal. And I WILL get there. Eventually.

So here it is. January 2012. The BEFORE picture.

I invite you to join me in my quest to get healthy. Let Operation Fit Into Wrap Dress commence!!!

I’m hoping when Big Man and I go to New Orleans in April I will be able to feel super sexy in my body.

For the record I have already lost 2 pounds

Colic Calm November 30, 2011

Yeah. Hi. It’s been a while. The reason for my absence in a later blog post.

I started this blog over my frustration to become pregnant.

Well. I got pregnant. After a miserable pregnancy (more on that later) I have my beautiful baby boy #2.

And now I’m knee deep in Colic.

Colic.

No one talks about it. Everyone says it’ll pass. There’s no cure. It will get better.

But it sucks. It sucks ASS.

I love my children dearly. There isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for them. But at the end of the day, I’m done. I want nothing else but to shut myself in my room and drink a vat of wine. .

At the end of the day I want to punch my husband in the face for getting to go to work every day and not listen to the incessant screaming that seems to have no end.

I love my children.

There are days where I feel I may tear my hair out. I don’t have time to eat lunch so I scarf down some candy or other junk lying around the house. I stick Little Man in front of the TV so I can sit and soothe Baby Bear. For hours on end.

I scour the Internet and read and re-read Marc Weissbluths blog over and over again looking for answers. The answer is the same. There is no cure. It will pass. It will get better. I’m waiting. 3-4 months they say. Well. I’m halfway there.

Colic makes you feel isolated from the world. It makes you doubt your parenting skills. It makes you resent your spouse for getting to leave the house every day. And want to smack him in the face for asking for sex. When it’s the last thing you want to do. But you know it’s for the good of your marriage. So you do it anyway.

Thank the lord I have a friend whose firstborn was colic and understands. Unless you’ve been there you don’t understand. There’s crying. Sure. But then there’s colic crying. There is nothing worse than listening to your baby cry and there is nothing you can do to calm them down. Just wait for the spell to end and they pass out in your arms. And it stops as soon as it starts. You’re exhausted. You think have I brushed my teeth today? Have I eaten? And I look at my poor first born an feel utterly guilty that he is stuck in front of the TV all day some times.

Sleep when the baby sleeps is bullshit with two kids. That magical time when Baby Bear is peacefully asleep is when I get to build tracks, play with Mater and McQueen, and read stories with Little Man.

Today at Baby Bear’s 2 month check up I was reassured by our doctor that he will be Ok. The colic will pass. I cannot spoil him my sleeping him in the vibrating chair all night, or rocking, swaddling and sshhing him for hours on end.

And throughout the madness Baby Bear looks up to me and gives me a big gummy smile, and makes my heart melt.

And to me, that big gummy smile gives me the strength to get through these difficult times. Because believe me. I will look back at those cute baby pictures and miss those precious newborn days.

Where the F*#! Have YOU Been?!? September 14, 2011

Yeah. It’s been awhile. Shit it’s been 9 months! About as long as it takes to make a baby.

WHAT!?!?!?

I started this blog because of my ever increasing frustration about my inability to become pregnant. I had said I had given up. If it happens great. If not. Oh well.

1 month and 2 weeks after I wrote that post….I took a test out of the blue. I remember like it was yesterday. I peed in a cup and dipped the stick. I lay it on a paper towel and forgot about it while I fed Little Man breakfast. 10 mins or so later I thought oh shit! The test. I looked. There was a VERY faint second line. I thought maybe it’s just an evaporation line. Those tests are null an void after 10 mins. Was it 10 minutes? I called Big Man. Um. Think I’m pregnant? I said standby while we run to Target and buy a $16 digital test. I need to see the word PREGNANT. So a couple of hours later I was peeing on another stick. Totally expecting nothing. Not even a minute went by when the words PREGNANT flashed across the stick.

Holy fuck. It had finally happened. I’m pregnant. . 15 long months. Wow.

Of course I have hated every minute of this pregnancy. Threw up for 18 weeks. Couldn’t put weight on. I mean not just a little barf. I’m talking projectile all over the walls kind of barf.

Then there was the blood pressure spikes. The constant right lower quadrant pain. OMG it’s HELLP Syndrome again!!! These pains landed me in L&D numerous times!!

Then there was gestational diabetes which landed me on a whopping dose of bedtime insulin for 2 months.

Then there were contractions at work. Which put me on early disability. Suited me fine as I hate working while pregnant. Especially in my line of work.

There was fluid retention. Weight gain and weight loss. I just couldn’t wait to be UN-pregnant again. Funny. All that time wanting to GET pregnant and I was whiny the entire 9 months.

Well of course my history of HELLP and preeclampsia made me a paranoid patient. I’m sure my doctor was sick of looking at me. Well my paranoia paid off and they caught the preeclampsia early this time and scheduled my caesarean 2 weeks early at 37 weeks.

What an enjoyable experience I had welcoming Baby Bear into the world! It was calm, relaxed and serene. Not the craziness and stress with Little Man’s birth. I even got my anesthesiologist of choice! He was amazing. The perks of giving birth in a hospital you work in!!!

So at 1007 am on the 30th of September I gave birth to a beautiful 6 pound 11 oz baby boy. Who was perfect in every way. And just like that the drama of trying to get pregnant and the pitfalls of actually being pregnant, I was blissfully happy with my two boys.

And now I’m complete. My family of four is perfect. And just to be sure it doesn’t get any bigger I got my tubes tied

Mommy Needs a Nap January 13, 2011

Oh the Terrible Twos.  They come with an explosion of vocabulary, ever-increasing amounts of independence and pure acts of defiance when they don’t get their way!!!  Lots of screaming NOOOOOO!  MINE!  GO AWAY!  Ah, the Terrible Twos.

When it comes to Little Man, who is nearly two and a half, he meets the above criteria … tenfold.  He loves to do things his way, and screams blood murder when it doesn’t go his way.  “Mommy come play engines!” he yells enthusiastically as Mommy has her hands full trying to get dinner on the table.  “Go downstairs and play engines and Mommy will be there in a little while after dinner is underway”.  “NO!  Come play engines NOW!”  Followed by writhing and screaming on the floor, head-banging and fist pounding.   Mommy continues to cook dinner, ignores said screamer and looks longingly at the bottle of wine on the counter ….

Little Man also likes to determine his own nap schedule.  This above all antics of a two-year old has been the most frustrating for me.  I thought the transition from two naps to one was awful.  Now I realize that was a piece of cake compared to what I’m going through now.  One nap to Zero naps sucks.  It sucks ass, quite frankly.  About a month before his second birthday Little Man screamed as I left him for his so-called nap.  I figured he’s safe in his crib, he’ll be fine.  Next thing I know he’s at the gate at the top of the stairs.  Ok…I guess you can climb out of your crib.  This continued for an hour when he finally gave up and fell asleep.  We said goodbye to the crib and hello to the toddler bed after that.  That transition came with its own issues…

Months passed with on/off napping.  I experimented with rubbing his back until he fell asleep; sticker charts; taking all toys out of his room; threatening to take Elmo and Grover away if he didn’t go to sleep.  Nothing worked.  I threw my nose into Marc Weissbluth’s Healthy Sleep Habits Happy Child.  I even hired a sleep expert.  The only thing that has worked consistently out of those two experts is a super-early bedtime.  On the days he doesn’t take a nap he is in the bath at 5:15-5:30.  Asleep, out cold before 6pm.  Up at 6am next day.  The End.  I personally consider Marc Weissbluth to be the Sleep God.  But I digress….

Big Man said to me, what’s the big deal? He sleeps great!  He stays in his bed, reads books and plays with Elmo for the same time as a “nap”, great!  You still get time to yourself either way.  But that one part of me just could not relax knowing that he’s not napping,  when he “should” be napping!

So here I am about 6 months after the first missed afternoon nap.  I have become a pro at rearranging my evening depending on our nap schedule.  He naps, he gets to play with Daddy after dinner until bedtime.  He doesn’t, Mommy sends a quick text to Daddy to signal a no nap day and he will usually get to see Daddy for a bedtime story.

I give up.  Officially.  Little Man will nap when he needs it.  Otherwise he stays in his room, in his bed with the door closed and plays quietly.  I still get to write blog posts, do laundry and catch up on trashy Housewives shows.  We don’t make a big deal if he doesn’t nap.  He just goes to bed early and Mommy and Daddy are all alone at 6pm wondering what the hell they used to do to pass the evenings away!

So many people have questioned our methods of the early bedtime.  What?   He goes to sleep?  Doesn’t he wake up at 5am?  No.  My kid would NEVER go to sleep that early!  Really?  Have you actually tried it?  For me…seeing the beast my son turns into after no nap is just not worth torturing him past 5pm.  If you saw the dark circles under his eyes you would see what I mean.  On those days it’s grilled cheese for dinner or if he’s lucky leftovers from the night before

All sorts of books out there say kids need an afternoon nap until age 3.  90% of toddlers take an afternoon nap up to age 3.  Well, I guess mine is in that 10% who is deciding to drop it early.  I mean he dropped the morning nap at 13 months…waaaay before other kids did.   Children develop at different rates.  Some don’t crawl and just walk.  Some crawl for months before taking that first step.  Some nap until they are 5.  Mine is content to jump in bed for 2 hours.

So either way, Mommy gets her quiet time.  Sometimes I take a nap.  Sometimes, like right now as I’m writing this blog, I can hear a little boy making stories up about Thomas the Tank Engine and telling them to his stuffed animals.  And that my friends, is priceless.

New Year. New Me. January 5, 2011

It’s 2011. 

This year I turn 34.  I think back to when I was 24.   I was a city girl.  Single girl.  Skinny girl.  I wonder what my 24-year-old self would think of my life now.  Would she think that she would be living in suburban NJ?  Did she think that I would find cooking a meal for a house full of guests more exhilarating than shopping for expensive Burberry bags?  Would she think she’d ever be 190 lbs?  I mean back then she was 150 lbs and thought she was fat.  I’d kill to be 150 lbs now.

Ten years ago I was a poor Respiratory Therapy student.  I managed to live on $500/month.  $350 for rent, the rest went to food, booze, and clothes.   Last month my credit card bill was $3000.  How did the spending get out of control?

10 years ago would I have thought that I would be struggling with secondary infertility?  Hell, back then I did everything in my power NOT to get pregnant.  Funny how times have changed….

But would I change anything about my current life?  No.  Life doesn’t always work out the way you planned.  I wouldn’t change anything.  Even the infertility.  Things happen for a reason.   Maybe I’m meant to be an amazing mom to just one little boy.  That’s fine. 

This year, as I said in a previous post, I resolve not to obsess.  About anything.  Not pregnant…oh well.  40 lbs over weight?  I’ll get there.  I will struggle, but I will get there.  Dishes don’t get done?  oh well.  House not clean?  I have a cleaning lady.  Bed not made?  Who gives two shits.  My time is too valuable.  Life is too short. 

I also resolve not to spend hours on my computer.  If my son wants attention, I will give it to him.  Since the acquisition of my iPod touch last Christmas my nose has never been out of that thing.  It’s seems like it’s attached to my body sometimes.  So next time I HAVE to check that inbox I will remind myself that my son needs my attention more than Yahoo does.  yahoo can wait until nap time or after bedtime.  Granted….I do enjoy sipping my tea and checking my email in the morning while my son plays with Thomas the Tank   But I will resolve to be a better mom.  The emails will get answered in due time.  With less time on the computer means less online shopping, and maybe then my credit card bill will shrink

I resolve to streamline my Facebook.  I love social networking, it’s great.  I got back in touch with so many old friends through it.  But maybe it’s time to remove some people from my friends lists.  Do my coworkers really need to know every detail of my life?  No.  The nap time battles?  My desire to have a jug of wine on Friday after a long week being home with a 2-year-old?  No. No. No.  Hence this blog.  This is where i will vent my frustrations.

I bitch about people wanting to know my business all the time.  But who am I to bitch?  I am the one who joined Facebook.  Accepted all their friend-requests.  Thinking it was fun …. and it was for a while.  But I get so sick of hearing … oh I saw your post on Facebook!  Yes, and…?  No comment.  Oh I just thought it was funny.  Thanks.  I admit, I’m nosy too, but enough is enough.  I think some people just join out of pure curiosity.  And certain comments have gotten people in trouble.  My workplace has turned into a high school musical and people are using Facebook against eachother.  Yep, I’m done.  If you remain on my friends list: consider yourself a true friend whom I trust.

I resolve to be a better wife.  I think I took my lack of fertility out on my poor husband.  I feel awkward in my new chubby body.  I ache for my 24-year old body.  But Big Man maintains he loves me…ALL of me.  He still wants to have sex with me … but I shun him away.  Out of embarrassment of my body.  No more.  Marriage needs sex.  So do I.  I used to have a LOT of it.  Sure I didn’t have a 2-year-old … but he goes to bed at 7pm sometimes 5:30 pm.  We go to bed at 9pm.  Plenty of time for sex.  Plenty of time for talking.  If I have the time to stick my nose in the computer, I have time to stick my nose…. elsewhere   

But if some nights we just want to veg on the couch and enjoy our new  Blu-Ray player…or play a game of cribbage…that’s OK too.  Cribbage?  Oh how my 24 year-old self would cringe!!

It’s 2011.  New Year.  New Me.  Will I be thinner?  I hope so.  But I’ll settle for 15 lbs.  Will I be pregnant?  I don’t know…and don’t care.  I’m tired of planning my life around …”oh what if I’m pregnant then”.  If I am I’ll deal. 

So to the 34-year-old me … I say: Embrace your life.  Live your life.  Live for today.  Not tomorrow.  You don’t need that Burberry bag.  Besides your mother bought you a Coach bag for Christmas

I Heart Xmas December 22, 2010

It’s Christmas.  Hands down, my favourite time of year.  I mean I eat all day for days and get awesome prezzies!  Well I actually prefer giving the prezzies as opposed to getting them…but it’s an added bonus right? 

As for the eating…oh god.  yum.  mmm.  lick smackin’ good.  Baked goodies galore, chips and nuts, and the big fat turkey.  ummmmmmmmm. 

This year I have gone overboard.  This is the first Christmas I’m going to enjoy in NJ in a while.  This is our third Christmas with Little Man.  Three years ago I was 6 weeks pregnant, and so NOT into the holiday.  I was so nauseous and didn’t enjoy a single bite.  I was so dog tired that the thought of cooking a Christmas dinner was like running a marathon…even if it was just for Big Man and myself. 

A year later and Little Man was 5 months old.  I will never forget it.  My parents and sister were visiting.  I wanted to be the first person to wish my Little Man a Merry Christmas, so we had him sleep in the pack-n-play in our room.  I remember my sister asking me if I was sure I wanted to be up with him?  He was still not sleeping through the night.  No No….it’s fine I said.  Christmas Eve we went to bed, ready for the long night ahead.  Next thing I knew it was 5:30am Christmas morning.  Oh. My. God.  He did it.  Little Man gave Big Man and I the best Christmas gift ever: A full night’s sleep.  And I remember my Dad making the best mashed potatoes…EVER.  mmm.

Fast forward one year.  After 6 years of USA living, we went home to Toronto for Christmas.  When I worked full-time if Christmas wasn’t my holiday you’d be damn sure I was working the 24th or the 26th.  Nobody gets a stretch off over Xmas.  So we had a long overdue Toronto Christmas.  It was great.  TWO turkey dinners in one day!  Lunch turkey with my family; Dinner turkey with Big Man’s Family.  I remember being so full that even my stretchy pants were too tight!

And that brings us to this year.  For the first time ever Big Man’s parents are coming for Christmas.  They had always spent Christmases in Manitoba.  It had never worked out before.  This year it did.  Then we get Christmas Part Deux with my family over New Years.  Yay!

So that brings me back to why this Christmas is going to be awesome.  I love cooking.  LOVE IT!  This year I have the TIME to cook.  This year I’m not too TIRED to cook.  So for the past month, every Sunday I’ve been whipping up batch after batch of cookies. 

Rolling out pastry for future chocolate tarts

 I mean I’m going to have a house full of people for two weeks…what if I run out of cookies.  Big Man thinks I’m insane. 

I have been planning my Christmas turkey since Thanksgiving.  I made my first ever turkey for my parents on Thanksgiving…Big Man had always cooked it before.  It was a success.  So I looked up more recipes until i settled on this one.  It is brining as I type. 

The Biggest Ziploc Bag Ever. Aka Turkey Brine Bag

I hate plain mashed potatoes.  I like to add fat-free sour cream and warm chicken stock to mine.  mmm.  And the secret to lump-free ‘tatoes?  My kitchen aid mixer.  I beat ‘em till their meringue-like.    I can’t have plain green beans either.  So I found a 1 point recipe on WW.  Green beans with Caramelized Shallots is oh so yummy.  So we’ve got turkey, mashed taters, green beans and a simple salad to start.  And let’s not forget the dessert!  There it is:   Christmas dinner Lisa-style.  I’m no plain-Jane.

For Christmas Part Deux Big Man has promised a standing rib roast.  My mouth is watering.  And maybe I’ll even let him cook it.

I love to cook for people.  I love to see the look on the their faces when they take that first bite.  My ego loves to hear them rave about my cooking.  It feels oh so good that I can bring joy to their taste buds.  I’m not a chef.  I’m just a good cook.  One day maybe I’ll be bold enough to invent my own recipes.  Until then Food Network is my friend.

And so for the next two weeks while my son happily plays with his new Thomas trains, and the grandparents and Aunt enjoy their time with Little Man, I will be in my kitchen with my Christmas Apron on…cooking up a storm.  And loving every minute of it.

Merry Christmas Everyone!!

Me, with a freshly baked batch of chocolate tarts.

No…I am not Pregnant December 21, 2010

So … when are you having another one?

Hey Lisa, I thought you were definitely going to pop out a few more? 

Better get working on that next one….you know 18 months apart is great! 

When are you guys planning on having another little rugrat?

Are you pregnant?  No?  Why? When?

These are the questions that people have asked me.  Right to my face. 

When you are a woman the standard questions always apply.  Do you have a boyfriend?  No? You should meet someone nice and settle down.  You find a boyfriend/girlfriend .  (I’m all for equality here )  Are you engaged?   You know, he’d better shit or get off the pot (an expression my mother loves to use);  You get engaged.  30 seconds later, when’s the wedding?  Why are you doing it that way?  Why aren’t you inviting that one?  Why why why?  You get married unscathed.   When are you going to have a baby?  You have a baby.  When’s the next one.  And on and on we go….  I am seriously waiting for someone to ask me when I’m going to die.  Really!  Since when did it become normal to ask so many damn personal questions?

So as a woman, I have experienced all of the above.  It did bug the shit out of me, but nothing has irked me more then asking me when I’m going to have another baby. I mean after Little Man was born, I said … oh yes I’d love to have another in a couple of years.  But I didn’t.  The questions still keep coming.  After one year of trying, YES, ONE YEAR, I am just starting to be blunt with people.  Having another?  No.  Why?  Yes … they ask WHY.  WHY is none of your damn business.  Mother nature is not cooperating.  I do not know why. 

Did you go to the doctor?  Maybe it’s your thyroid.  Did you try Clomid?  That will work for you!  Did you get your husband checked?  You know you shouldn’t have sex every day to keep his sperm count up.  Did you get your tubes checked?  Oh you’ve been pregnant before, I’m sure it’s something simple.  Do you think you would do IVF?  I know so and so who’s a friend of so and so who had this weird medical condition then she sat on a mushroom, ate pineapple and had sex while standing on her head and she got pregnant!!!

Seriously people.  FUCK OFF. 

Those of you who know and love me … know my struggle as I have shared openly with a few people.  But those of you who don’t.  Here it is.  I am putting it out there on the World Wide Web. 

I am not pregnant.  I don’t know if I CAN ever get pregnant again.  Nor will I be pursuing any other artificial means of getting pregnant. 

I have a beautiful Little Man who fills my heart with joy.  I have an awesome Big Man who is the love of my life.  Do I feel guilty for thinking Little Man isn’t enough?  Immensely.  Do I feel like I have become super-obsessed with tracking every fucking detail of my menstrual cycle?  Yesssssssssss!  I am obsessive, no question about it.

My New Year’s Resolution is to NOT obsess.  (As much .. seriously it’s me…who are we kidding? )  If I get pregnant great.  If not.  Oh well.  I have a Big Man and a Little Man who love me and worship me!  

And that ladies and gentlemen, is my first official blog RANT.